The Blog of Zak Spade

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March 2023
My Other Writing
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Monday 27 March, 2023

The destiny of humanity is linked to many things. The future of the planet is one. Whether we are visited by aliens from another galaxy is another consideration. For some. A few…

Of the countless constraints and opportunities, very few people will see what is hidden, but at the same time, crucial. Yes, the direction of humanity is inextricably linked to fruit.

After all, the basic question being asked is: Man goes where?

Oranges and Lemons
Thursday 20 March, 2023

I was going to write a spoof about how oranges are the only fruit to be named after their colour. Then I remembered the colours lime-green and apple-white.

There are undoubtably many more, and so I decided not to write such a piece. If I had pressed on with it then I am sure it would have fallen flat and been considered a bit of a lemon…

Identity Issue
Thursday 16 March, 2023

Am I a fruit or a vegetable? Wouldn't you like to know! Pub quizzes across the country are attended by those who know of the argument, but who are split between those who shout, fruit, against those who scream, vegetable.

According to the experts, I am a fruit. Horticulturalists will point to the fact that we tomatoes are grown from seeds that develop from the flowers we produce. Culinary practitioners will tell you that we are to be used as if vegetables.

So, the fact is that we are fruit, but we can be used as vegetables.

The problem is that, in these enlightened days, we identify as onions. Well, at least I do, although I prefer to be known as Mandy at weekends.

The Banana
Sunday 12 March, 2023

Nobody knew his secret. No one had been told. A secret is no longer a secret if you tell someone.

He led his life quietly, lest he be found out. He was afraid to be obvious. Too many questions would surely lead to his being discovered as the fraud he was, no matter what he projected.

Day in and day out, he went about his business as if nothing was amiss. However, every footstep; every slight noise; each disturbance, and he would almost jump out his skin, such was his fear of being spotted for what he truly represented.

It was hard being something he was not.

Fear ruled his life and discovery of his dishonesty created that fear. He was someone undeserving of trust; someone to avoid dealing with. If it were to be known; he was someone to hide one's valuables from when he visited.

He was bent and yellow to boot.

Snow, No Snow
Friday 10 March, 2023

The light was there, peeking through the curtains as if afraid to be noticed. Looking out through the window, it was possible to see that the sky was packed with clouds laden with threatening intent.

It was currently raining and possessed the potential to become a deluge of biblical proportions.

The weather forecast had claimed it was to be a morning of snow. The reality was a dreary dampness in the air generating cold droplets that slid down necks. Snow would have at least brightened up the early morning as the sun struggled into the sky behind the grey shield.

By the time it was bright enough to read, the rain had turned to sleet and promised to become the real deal, turning the ground white. Instead, the cold continued to be accompanied by nothing more than growing puddles.

However, once the daylight plateaued, what was falling had turned into big fluffy snowflakes.

Soggy snowflakes.

The puddles continued to grow…

Too Polite?
Monday 6 March, 2023

You have ventured out from your home to a place other than work. There are many people there. A little common sense is required so as to avoid the experience turning into a free-for-all with bodies falling and being trampled over.

Basically, a trip to the shops.

Eventually you approach a restriction and someone using a stick to walk is coming the other way. Do you carry on, knowing (hoping?) they will defer to you as you stride purposefully, or do you embrace your humanity and stop to allow the elderly or infirm person to pass?

Of course, you stop.

The target of your action smiles at you. Sometimes it is accompanied by a verbal thank you.

Just before they reach you, the ignorant sub-human immediately behind you takes the opportunity to shove past you and into the path of the person you invited through.

Is the cretin just that, or are you too polite?

Thursday 2 March, 2023

If I had a penny for every person who asked me about the pain attached to writing content for this blog, I’d probably have enough for a down payment on a packet of crisps.

Without doubt, there is pain. This is especially true if kneeling in front of a child’s swing while typing. The impact of the seat upon one’s head has two effects:

     1/ It is rather distracting
     2/ It can lead to concussion

The only reason I can write this entry is because I concentrate on ducking in time with the swing. Mind you, once the writing is thought about…